Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
