some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
