I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
