There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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