Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
