I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
