I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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