the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
