apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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