So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
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