So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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