you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
