someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
