Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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