so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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