Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
