i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
