Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
