This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
