tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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