come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
