I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
