They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
