U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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