Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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