his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
