I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
