I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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