i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
