Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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