if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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