Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
