Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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