Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
