What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
