I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
