When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
