I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
