I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
