I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
