I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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