well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
