I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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