i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
