nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
