Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
