Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
