Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
