oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
