Capitaan dildo arrescate!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
