who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
